a bunch

i just don't know what to say?

it's been rough. i'm ready for summer. 

since ave's been home, i can get friendial satisfaction if i go downstairs and in my lazy half awake state, that's easy for me.

i don't know what's happening. it's weird for me to think about something like this as a fight.

i'm not someone who has fights.

i don't know what to say to you to make things better. if making things better means doing something for you, i'll do it. but if it means lying to about how i feel so that we can hang out, even though i'm cranky and grumpy, then i won't do that.

i want seeing you to be fun and special. 

it usually is... even though i haven't seen you hard core in a while, but it seems like it's been that way recently cause, like you said, we've been hanging out when i want to and on my turf. 

i don't know what to say. i don't know what to do. 

what's easiest for me to do is not sacrifice and not go the extra mile. 

i'm sorry?

i don't know if people understand this, but i have very specific friend moods.

if i'm in the mood for nick, or rosie or avery, then i want to hang out with them.

usually, i'm not persistent or desperate for that person, but sometimes that's the person i want to be with if i am with someone.

a lot of the time, i just need to do something and i can disregard the frieood (friend+mood) and just do whatever, especially if it's a group hangage.

the biggest problem, that you're experiencing, is that i can't predict my frieoods. and because i've become dependent on them, i like to be aware of them and follow my needs. most days, i would rather be at home than be grumpy to someone who doesn't deserve it.

maybe frieoods are bullshit... probably frieoods are bullshit, but i've been feeling like i have very little. and i recognize that i could just disregard them and do whatever what everyone else wants, but i'm wary. i want to know myself and total disregard of this part of me seems disrespectful, in a way.

i just don't want to ruin or waste or muss any friendships that i have right now because i was grumpy or mean to someone. i want to treasure these last few weeks before summer comes and life changes.

i don't want to waste any time with any of my friends, you very much included.

in some senses, i don't want to change or grow because i know that it'll mean friendships changing too, and that scares the shit outta me.