a bunch

i just don't know what to say?

it's been rough. i'm ready for summer. 

since ave's been home, i can get friendial satisfaction if i go downstairs and in my lazy half awake state, that's easy for me.

i don't know what's happening. it's weird for me to think about something like this as a fight.

i'm not someone who has fights.

i don't know what to say to you to make things better. if making things better means doing something for you, i'll do it. but if it means lying to about how i feel so that we can hang out, even though i'm cranky and grumpy, then i won't do that.

i want seeing you to be fun and special. 

it usually is... even though i haven't seen you hard core in a while, but it seems like it's been that way recently cause, like you said, we've been hanging out when i want to and on my turf. 

i don't know what to say. i don't know what to do. 

what's easiest for me to do is not sacrifice and not go the extra mile. 

i'm sorry?

i don't know if people understand this, but i have very specific friend moods.

if i'm in the mood for nick, or rosie or avery, then i want to hang out with them.

usually, i'm not persistent or desperate for that person, but sometimes that's the person i want to be with if i am with someone.

a lot of the time, i just need to do something and i can disregard the frieood (friend+mood) and just do whatever, especially if it's a group hangage.

the biggest problem, that you're experiencing, is that i can't predict my frieoods. and because i've become dependent on them, i like to be aware of them and follow my needs. most days, i would rather be at home than be grumpy to someone who doesn't deserve it.

maybe frieoods are bullshit... probably frieoods are bullshit, but i've been feeling like i have very little. and i recognize that i could just disregard them and do whatever what everyone else wants, but i'm wary. i want to know myself and total disregard of this part of me seems disrespectful, in a way.

i just don't want to ruin or waste or muss any friendships that i have right now because i was grumpy or mean to someone. i want to treasure these last few weeks before summer comes and life changes.

i don't want to waste any time with any of my friends, you very much included.

in some senses, i don't want to change or grow because i know that it'll mean friendships changing too, and that scares the shit outta me.

i smile bigger on the right side of my mouth.

next year, for prom, i need to find a dress i could wear forever. really.

when people talk about me behind my back, it makes me feel weird. and kind of cool.

it's gotten less cool.

jog it off

i think i might be able to sing.
maybe just a little.

i don't really have anything to write about...

the seniors are leaving really soon. i haven't really thought about it.
no one is going fabulously far away.
we got our yearbooks today and did some hardcore signing.
me and raq each wrote a page to each other.
i miss jackie a little bit.
she hugged me today.
i love what i have right now, but ill always want more.

i'm going to ghana in less than 3 weeks.
overwhelming.
i'm so excited. i'm also pretty sure that i'm gonna be bored at times.
i love being strong, i never want to be old and weak.

i love strong women. i think i'm in love with the cute woman at target who handles returns.
frealz.

on another note, i'm sick of being tired. i just want to have boundless energy.

let's hug.

foot bath

my dad bought our tickets to ghana today.

we're laving the day after we get out of school.

i'm worried that i won't appreciate it. 

i like to think i will, but i'm nervous that i'm just not as cool as i thought.

i like singing vigorously along to songs on the radio and not know the words.

i miss being a kid.

sometimes i get sick of being cautious.

thrift store=superior to everything

i wanna go running, but i'm feeling too heavy to move that fast.

i'm curious about what being someone else would feel like.

i would like the pool to open.

bitter creek

we're watching a movie right now in physics about time.

and time travel.

it scares me to think about it.

i like for time to be something i take for granted. i don't want to over think it.

it's time for bed, most of the time.

tests are coming up. i'm worried that i gave up too easily.

when i look in the mirror, i see less than perfect, but more than a wreck.

thankfully.

that sick feeling you get in your tummy when something bad happens?

you know it?

money is rough.

how would things be different if we had more money.

if we had less money.

i'm thankful, most of the time.

i love friends.

i live for them.

for some reason, i can't see past them loving me.

i want to dance like there's no tomorrow.

but really, this time.

kiss me.

just remember who i am.

who. not what.

sometimes i worry that i have medical problems that nobody is noticing.

maybe i'll die young.

here's to looking at you.

what am i gonna do when the system is done with me. how am i gonna live without the plans.

i kind of want to be korean.

no. just beautiful.

give me a hug. and never let go.

we can sleep and eat together.

nbd.

BD.